Not all Days Are Spent
Willing him to stay calm
And no-one come to any harm.
Love’s long gone: now only fear
Knots my insides when he’s near.
I beg the kids; I scream, I pray:
Now do what Daddy says today.
Good Lord, what a thing to say.
Once he’d try to show us he cares.
Now he just bullies, shouts and swears.
Every sound from them – or movement
Grates on him – there’s no improvement.
Gradually he wears our spirits thin
Soon we’ll all be shrivelled up within.
How can I prevent this disaster?
Escape to some place where there’s laughter?
Life is for living and it makes me mad
Looking at our children afraid of their Dad.
Suffering and insecure; so sad.
©jammyface
20/04/2009
Friday, 4 May 2012
Lurching from Crisis to Crisis until Disaster Happens (which will be soon) but who GAF????
Ok, so I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed nearly 20 years ago).
My 14-y-o-dd has a diagnosis of Asperger's, and I was advised by the consultant who diagnosed dd 8 months ago that it'd be worth my time and money to pursue a new, private dx for myself, because not only is there a very strong genetic link in Autistic Spectrum Disorders but what adult psychiatrists call BPD, child psychiatrists call Asperger's Syndrome.
So what? Who cares?
Anyway, that aside, I do also have depression. Currently (as well as for at least the past six months) I am and have been deeply depressed and cannot contemplate continuing to survive. Family responsibilities mean that I must, though, buggerit. :-( Last autumn I asked for a CPN, because I felt I really, really needed some help, support, someone to talk to who might understand and maybe help? Recovery team decided that Occupational Therapy was what I needed. Then it was my fault because that didn't work out.
Anyway, Crisis team started visiting me at home every other day last November, this eventually became twice a week and they finally signed me off home visits (if I recall correctly) in late March or early April. Crisis Team had referred me to Recovery Team in January. Received cc letter 16th Jan. Recovery Team refused referral on the grounds that I was too ill, they thought my needs would be better met by Crisis Team.
29th March, had appt with shrink. Cried, screamed, kept nothing back. Hurt like F!
Fast forward a bit. Crisis team had again referred me to Recovery team. Received cc letter dated 12th April. Recovery refused referral on the grounds that from the information provided in the referral, "the team is of the opinion that this lady does not have an enduring mental illness" also I appear to have "ongoing alcohol problems and again the recovery team would not be the appropriate service to support her with these." WTF??? That is why I am engaged with DART (Drug and Alcohol Recovery Team) I'm not physically addicted, DART says. I *know* I'm not *physically* addicted, but mentally I am. I drink so that I don't FEEL, cos feeling hurts hurts HURTS much more than I can bear. :-( I hope you don't know how that feels.
"We are, therefore, returning the referral and inform you that no further action will be taken by this team"
I wrote "Who cares I die" on my arm with my razorblade . Ok, not sensible, but it helped me at the time . The "I" was deep enough to require steri-stripping.
On Weds this week I received cc of letter to my psychiatrist, dated 30 April. "We discussed your referral regarding the above named at the team's weekly referral meeting on 20 April 2012 where the team felt there was no evidence of any mental disorder.... Therefore, without any clear evidence of any mental illness the team feel that we are unable to offer this lady an assessment. Should you have any further information that demonstrates a mental illness then please forward this on to us with a new referral. This case has now been closed and no further action will be taken."
My conclusion? If you live in Lincolnshire, have a diagnosis of a personality disorder and have other mental health issues, then you are fiucked. :-( There is no point in trying to survive, you will only have more pain than you can bear, and Mental Health 'services' will not help you to get better.
I hope this is not my first and last blog, cos some very very very very very small part of me thinks that perhaps I and my family might have a future? If I try hard enough?????
...
My 14-y-o-dd has a diagnosis of Asperger's, and I was advised by the consultant who diagnosed dd 8 months ago that it'd be worth my time and money to pursue a new, private dx for myself, because not only is there a very strong genetic link in Autistic Spectrum Disorders but what adult psychiatrists call BPD, child psychiatrists call Asperger's Syndrome.
So what? Who cares?
Anyway, that aside, I do also have depression. Currently (as well as for at least the past six months) I am and have been deeply depressed and cannot contemplate continuing to survive. Family responsibilities mean that I must, though, buggerit. :-( Last autumn I asked for a CPN, because I felt I really, really needed some help, support, someone to talk to who might understand and maybe help? Recovery team decided that Occupational Therapy was what I needed. Then it was my fault because that didn't work out.
Anyway, Crisis team started visiting me at home every other day last November, this eventually became twice a week and they finally signed me off home visits (if I recall correctly) in late March or early April. Crisis Team had referred me to Recovery Team in January. Received cc letter 16th Jan. Recovery Team refused referral on the grounds that I was too ill, they thought my needs would be better met by Crisis Team.
29th March, had appt with shrink. Cried, screamed, kept nothing back. Hurt like F!
Fast forward a bit. Crisis team had again referred me to Recovery team. Received cc letter dated 12th April. Recovery refused referral on the grounds that from the information provided in the referral, "the team is of the opinion that this lady does not have an enduring mental illness" also I appear to have "ongoing alcohol problems and again the recovery team would not be the appropriate service to support her with these." WTF??? That is why I am engaged with DART (Drug and Alcohol Recovery Team) I'm not physically addicted, DART says. I *know* I'm not *physically* addicted, but mentally I am. I drink so that I don't FEEL, cos feeling hurts hurts HURTS much more than I can bear. :-( I hope you don't know how that feels.
"We are, therefore, returning the referral and inform you that no further action will be taken by this team"
I wrote "Who cares I die" on my arm with my razorblade . Ok, not sensible, but it helped me at the time . The "I" was deep enough to require steri-stripping.
On Weds this week I received cc of letter to my psychiatrist, dated 30 April. "We discussed your referral regarding the above named at the team's weekly referral meeting on 20 April 2012 where the team felt there was no evidence of any mental disorder.... Therefore, without any clear evidence of any mental illness the team feel that we are unable to offer this lady an assessment. Should you have any further information that demonstrates a mental illness then please forward this on to us with a new referral. This case has now been closed and no further action will be taken."
My conclusion? If you live in Lincolnshire, have a diagnosis of a personality disorder and have other mental health issues, then you are fiucked. :-( There is no point in trying to survive, you will only have more pain than you can bear, and Mental Health 'services' will not help you to get better.
I hope this is not my first and last blog, cos some very very very very very small part of me thinks that perhaps I and my family might have a future? If I try hard enough?????
...
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